- Nancy Ogilvie
Accepting What Is
Principle: Accepting what is changes everything. And accepting ourselves as we are makes transformation possible.
Practice: Practice being curious about your own and others’ responses instead of judging or trying to change them.
written 2/3/21 Wednesday (If this is your first post in the inner dialog format, please see the "cast of characters" at the end. And there's a new voice today -- "B" for an experience of the Beloveds speaking to me directly.
Good morning, Beloveds all: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, Mary’s, all angels, guides, ascended ones, saints, sages. My heart hurts following my meditation this morning – feels constricted, constrained, contracted. I’m exploring what that’s about instead of trying to change it. And I will say thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You, Beloveds. This is sacred work, holy work. It is the work of being the union of heaven and earth, vertical and horizontal dimensions.
I’m remembering “I deserve an open heart,” the affirmation on my bathroom mirror.
Beloveds: It’s true, you do, Nance. You’re doing such a good job of opening it – and there’s nothing wrong that it feels contracted this morning. It’s in a waning cycle – it has its own rhythmic cycle it moves through. There’s nothing to fix.
SE: But I want to fix it. I want something to fix, to push, to force. So what’s up with that? I can’t be ok as I am – I have to be on this continual push to improve, to be better… it’s exhausting, Nance, and I can’t seem to stop. Please help… N? B?
B: It sounds like you’re trying to meet your own needs by yourself, SE. You have to make yourself good enough before you deserve to open your heart and have your needs met.
SE: Oh – yes, You're right, Beloveds! And that’s not my job, is it? In fact, it’s distorted thinking… You made me “good enough” from the beginning, and You’ll meet my needs freely. It’s really LO whose needs I’m trying to meet on my own. She’s too much for anyone else to take care of, so it’s my job to protect her. She’s just like Mom – depressed, fragile, overwhelmed – and she’ll kill herself if I don’t take care of her, meet her needs.
...And I know that’s an old image of her – that’s not who she is now. She’s alive and vibrant and very well able to take care of herself now. Oh – she is both WC and SI now. That fragile, depressed WC is still alive, and so is the spontaneous, free SI, able to care for herself.
N: So you know that’s not an accurate image of her, and it seems like you’re still really attached to the belief that you’re the only one who can meet her excessive demands. What would it mean for you to let that outdated image go, SE?
SE: I feel so important, so valuable as her only caretaker, Nance. I feel superior, more capable than anyone else. It makes me special, to be the only one who’s strong enough to meet her needs. Taking care of her gives me meaning and purpose in the world… and you want me to let go of that?
N: I wonder if there’s another way to find meaning and purpose, love, and to move into a more honest relationship with who LO is now. What would that be like?
SE: It would be a relief, that’s for sure… it’s exhausting to have the weight of being “the only one” who can meet her needs on my shoulders. But no! It’s too scary to let go of what’s familiar, to accept what I know is so now! I’m really stuck in the old pattern, Nance – not willing to open yet. Now I have a pain in my left gut instead of my heart. Let’s just take a break… I’m fighting with myself, wanting to change and being too scared to change, unable to relax enough to accept where I am. I need to stop trying and just take a break.
N: Ok, love, that’s clear asking for what you need, and really is a form of accepting what is. Good job! We can come back later. This feeling of "stuckness" is a temporary dynamic; it will change.
SE: Thanks, Nance. Blessed be!
N: Blessed be!
Cast of Characters:
N: Nancy, my adult self
B: Beloveds, the Divine Who sometimes speak(s) directly to me
WC: Wounded Child, the part that is still traumatized by childhood wounding
SI: Sweet Innocence, the whole, healthy child who knows she is lovable and worthy
LOs: Little Ones, a composite of WC/SI when they seem to be one, or may also refer to a composite of all parts when I’m not yet clear on who’s speaking
Ego: my ego self or human mind
SE: Super Ego, the internal voice of our parents or other authority figures when they were trying to socialize us into responsible human beings; this voice generally has the role of enforcing our parents’ rules for us growing up, whether or not they serve us now as adults. It can be harshly judgmental and punishing.