Accepting Where I Am
Updated: Mar 31, 2021
Principle: Accepting myself as I am changes me.
Practice: When you’re judging yourself, remember that the Mother uses all of you, “good” and “bad,” and practice curiosity.
March 29, 2021 Monday
Explanation: As I mentioned in the post titled “Saying Yes to the Divine” on 3/12, I took vows as a postulant in the Oriental Orthodox Order in the West on Saturday, 3/13/21. The ceremony was sweet, uplifting and inspiring, and by all accounts, I was “glowing.” My guests all commented on how beautiful it was and how palpable the love is in the community. I feel blessed beyond measure; I am crystal clear that this is God/dess’ will for me, and that She has been leading me to this point all my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fear coming up; I’m choosing to feel the fear and do it anyway.
On a practical note for this blog, I’m again feeling called to post more currently with what I’m writing in my journal. Since I journal just about every day and post twice a week, my recent posts have been from 2/22 and 2/25/21, more than a month ago. I will need to find another way to schedule posts in order to stay current, and this week, I’m skipping ahead to the Tuesday following the vows ceremony, 3/16/21. Of course, such a big expansion was followed by a contraction… here’s my story.
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, all saints and sages and guides on both sides of the veil. Thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You.
I really want to run and hide today – or parts of me do. And there’s also a part that yearns to be in service to You, Beloveds! That is in service to You always. I know the joy and love and peace of serving You – and there can be strife and inner conflict and resistance in serving You as well, because I’m still human. Oh – that’s very helpful – my angst and turmoil are serving You; You use all of me! You want all of me, so who am I to reject parts of myself?
Hi, SE! I just unmasked you again, huh? You’ve been trying to seduce me into believing your lies again.
SE: Yup. Drat! And I’m still holding your energy, your vitality captive, Nance. You can’t have them back! Ha ha – I win!
N: Yes you do right now, love. When I’m in this place of wanting to sit and watch Netflix all day, of being afraid to express myself freely, it’s because you are in the driver’s seat, where you do not belong. You still have me hostage enough in this moment that I’m not ready to banish you to a passenger seat, but I do see you don’t belong in the driver’s seat in a way I didn’t before. In the passenger seat, you get to have a voice but not decision-making authority. Your days in the driver’s seat are numbered!
And now what I see is my attachment to safety, to feeling safe, defined as never again feeling shamed or humiliated. The truth is that it may not be safe to express myself freely, and I’m so afraid of those feelings that I’ll still do anything to prevent them. That’s your power to hook me.
And the issue is my fear of the violent rage I'm terrified will erupt from me if I’m humiliated just one more time. I still believe my feelings are an overpowering force, that I am their victim and have no agency, no power to choose how I respond to them. That’s your hook, SE. And seeing it so clearly is disempowering it and you!
So safety is a false idol – I’ve spent 68 years trying to keep myself safe from my all-powerful feelings by trying to control them, and that’s (a) impossible and (b) unnecessary. It’s (a) impossible because absolute safety on this physical plane is an illusion. If I’m focused on trying to keep myself absolutely safe from harm, I’m in a futile endeavor. It’s (b) unnecessary because I do not need to be afraid of my feelings – they are simply energy moving through me, and they of themselves do not put me in danger. I can learn to welcome them as information, and I can use the Welcome Prayer (see Resources) and other tools to choose how I respond. I can survive any feelings, including rage and humiliation.
And when I try to control my feelings to keep myself safe from them, I’m blocking my availability to serving You, Beloveds. I’m blocking Your gifts of wisdom, guidance, abundance. And I need Your help to walk unarmed into the arena of the unknown (huh – and Unknown is just occurring to me), praying only for greater intimacy with You, myself and others. Please help, Mamas!
I’m still not quite ready to take my energy back from you, SE, but you’re on notice. You’re on eviction notice from the driver’s seat!