Actor or Director?
Principle:. Right relationship with God/dess is one where She is the director and I am the actor.
Practice: When you find yourself telling the Mother She’s not doing what you want, start listening for Her still small voice instead.
written 1/24/21, after being sick with stomach flu for 2 days
Good evening, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, angels, guides, ancestors, ascended ones. Thank You for getting me through this stomach bug I’ve had and for a negative Covid test – and thank You for another day to walk this Sacred Earth path with and as You.
I’ve just done a 45-min meditation that felt like maybe 25. It feels good when that happens – like “time flies when you’re deeply immersed in meditation and really listening for guidance!" And lots came through.
First, I was grumpy and resentful starting out, and I let those feelings be. I deliberately chose not to put on my “good girl” suit to earn approval, but just to say, “Here I am, Mamas, grumpy and resentful. I really want you to protect me from nasty experiences like stomach flu. Isn’t that part of Your job? You let me down this week-end!” I was honest and direct with Her, knowing that She loves me as I am, and really wanting Her help to get clear on what was off in my thinking, my attitude. ‘Cause clearly something is off in me when I’m telling Her to shape up and be Who I want Her to be!
I went to my mantra of “’I AM’ lives here. This is sacred ground, the Holy of Holies, My dwelling place.” And She asked me to add, “…Enter here with awe and reverence and abiding love.” That reminded me that I had felt the Beloveds’ Presence in the intensity of my illness, holding me close, comforting me. She certainly provided what I needed – my friend “just happened” to call driving home from work on my worst day, and when she heard I was sick asked if there was anything she could bring me. She went to the store and dropped off a few things for me. Thanks, Mamas, for that “coincidental” call!
Then I saw the historical link with my mom letting me down, not standing up for me in the face of my dad’s abuse. I was projecting that onto the Mother, feeling like She betrayed me by not preventing the illness. And then followed quickly by recognizing the helplessness I feel when I’m sick – since I can’t control it, can’t prevent it, somebody else is supposed to. Of course, my mom was quite powerless to prevent my getting sick as a child, too. So I connected with the part of me that wants desperately to control what happens to me, to prevent “bad” things from happening. That part hates feeling powerless and vulnerable.
From there, I began opening to my need for the Mother’s presence and comfort, to my longing for Her, and found a new humility in that. I shifted from the arrogance of “You’re not doing Your job the way I want” to embracing right relationship with Her, where acknowledging my need for and dependence on Her opens me to Her Presence, and I’m willing to take Her guidance and direction.
In one of my spiritual communities, we talk about right relationship with the Divine being one of “She’s the director of the movie of my life, I’m the lead actor.” I have gifts and skills and a will to bring (which She has given me), and She provides guidance and direction from a “big picture,” whole “movie” perspective that a single actor can’t have. I love that metaphor.
So I took another step on my journey into right relationship with Her by shifting from "You're not doing this right!" to listening to myself and Her still small voice. I am not “enlightened,” I did not reach nirvana – and that’s a good thing. I am reconnected with “I AM lives here…” and grateful for progress, not perfection!