Principle: The harder I try to figure things out on my own, the more stuck I become.
Practice: When you feel “stuck on a hamster wheel,” pray for guidance, then ask a friend to listen to you. Getting the thoughts out of your head is a huge relief!
written 2/17/21 Wednesday (if this is your first post in the "inner dialog" format, "LO" stands for Little One, my inner child. Of course, "N" is Nancy, my adult self).
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet Great Mother, Cindy the Tree, Small House friends, program friends – oh! I don’t have to list just Divine Beings, just those on the other side of the veil. All of Life is an expression of the Divine, full of Divine Wisdom. I can learn to rely on Life to provide all I need! Thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You, Beloveds. It is You Who gives Life – that’s the prime difference. We are all Life, but we don’t all give Life.
Yesterday, my self-will predominated, and I fell into the rabbit hole of compulsive thinking. A friend called needing to talk, and after I listened to her, she asked how I was doing. I told her I was stuck in self-will, spinning on a hamster wheel. And now I’m seeing (a) I was stuck in compulsive thinking – I didn’t know that yesterday, (b) I am powerless over compulsive thinking – I cannot get out of it by myself, that’s the nature of compulsion, and (c) that’s why we reach out for support – to get help when we’re stuck in compulsive thinking. I spent most of yesterday trying to fix it/control it myself, tying myself up in knots and making myself miserable. So now maybe I’ll reach out for help sooner.
I just moved into acceptance. Of course I’m powerless over compulsion, and I make my life unmanageable when I try to control it on my own. It’s ok to need and to ask for help; I don’t have to figure it all out by myself anymore. I can have help from my friends. Needing help is not a sign of weakness – it’s admitting that I’m imperfect, human. There’s nothing wrong with me for needing help!
LO: You talked with me about this in the middle of the night… it was so helpful, mama Nance.
N: I remember vaguely, love. What was helpful?
LO: What I remember now is your assurance that there’s nothing wrong with me for needing help. My friend said yesterday that it helps her to remember that there’s nothing wrong here, and that was helpful then. But you took it to “There’s nothing wrong with me!” Of course I’m having these feelings, this experience – it’s ok! I don’t remember your precise words anymore either, but we were stuck in believing we were supposed to be able to get ourselves out of compulsive thinking on our own, and feeling like we were a failure. We were terrified to ask for help because we didn’t want to be a burden on others.
N: So that must have left you feeling completely alone, love.
LO: Yes! And I'm not sure why this is coming up right now, but I really believed I had the power to kill Mom when I was little, Nance... it’s so, so terrifying to believe that! If I asked for help in any way, she'd tell me I was a demanding, overwhelming little girl. I really believed that my needs could be so great they’d break her fragile hold on life and she’d kill herself. I’d kill her. I really believed I was that powerful, mama!
N: I see you, love – that must have been terrifying! No wonder you and SE have been so desperate to control your needs and feelings - and compulsive thinking was an effective strategy for doing that. I see your terror and pain under the compulsion – and grief, love. Thanks for telling me your secret, LO.
LO: It’s not true, right?
N: No, it’s certainly not true. Your needs are not that powerful – you are not that powerful. You had normal little girl needs, and Mom didn’t have the capacity to meet them, so she made you into a demanding little monster. She coped with her inadequacy by expecting you to be a “big girl” and not need her. It was not your fault and not your responsibility, and your needs were those of any human little girl.
LO: Thanks, mama Nance. I know our prayer partner is going to call, and I need holding. Can we come back to this? Oh – here she is!
(after prayer) Thanks for making my prayer request for me, Nance. She gave me what I need for now, so you can go to 11th step. Please stay with me today, ok?
N: Yes, sweetie – it will be my pleasure! Thanks for asking – and please ask again if I get distracted.
LO: OK. Blessed be.
N: Blessed be, beloved!