Principle: The way out of a painful emotional state is to move through the feelings to acceptance and freedom.
Practice: Instead of trying to change your feelings, take a deep breath to center, ask for courage, and open (a tiny bit) to feeling them.
written 2/7/21 Sunday - if this is your first post in the "inner dialog" format, please see the "cast of characters" at the end.
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, both Mary’s, guides, angels, ancestors, ascended ones. I’m in a fog this morning, i.e. not present, not showing up. And the good news is that I’ve stopped trying to change that experience and am practicing acceptance. In this place, I can acknowledge my unavailability with LO and assure her this is a temporary state. So thank You Beloveds, for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You. I wonder if I can practice Your presence when I’m not present, and if that might be helpful to LO.
LO: I feel very alone, Nance. You’re right that it helps a lot for you to acknowledge that you’re not here and that that’s a temporary state – and I’ve fallen into resentment to cope. I start withholding myself in response. It’s too scary to be angry with you, too painful to feel how much I need you when you’re not present.
N: I’m so sorry, sweetie – oh, and I’m just remembering there was a point in the night when you reached for me, when you were present to your need and fear and you wanted my comfort, and the best I could do was acknowledge my absence and assure you it wasn’t your fault and that I’d be back.
LO: And that was enough in that moment, mama – and I just miss you and need you so much, and it hurts that you’re leaving me alone. But in that moment, I knew it wasn’t my fault, and I knew I’d be ok on my own. I don’t need you to survive the way I did Mom. And I don’t – or didn’t in that moment – feel entitled or owed. I was disappointed that you weren’t available, but not threatened.
N: That’s such a powerful insight/shift, sweetheart, and a relief to me. And I still don’t like hurting or disappointing you, love – I want to be there for you when you need comfort and love and support.
LO: I know, mama – and I’m so sorry for your pain as well as mine. And I don’t want to be/feel responsible for your pain or taking care of you. I also know that’s not my job, and I know you don’t expect me to do that, to take responsibility for your happiness and wellbeing like Mom did. That might be the biggest relief of all!
N: That’s true, sweetie, and I’m so glad you know it. It is absolutely not your job to make/keep me happy.
LO: So maybe I can use this time of separation/aloneness to learn about me, mama, to learn about who I am and what my gifts and passions are and who I want to be in the world. I’ve not gotten to do that before… that would be ok, right?
N: Yes, love – and I’ll do my part of that work. I feel sad about separating, and it is what’s being called for. You’re so wise, beloved – thank you for setting that boundary.
LO: You’re giving me what I need to be a whole human being, mama. You’re being a “good enough” mama by validating my experience and giving me this space to explore my own needs and desires and gifts. Thank you.
N: I’m glad, love – thanks. And we will find new ways to reconnect and love each other. I need that too. Healthy, mutually supportive and honoring ways.
LO: Yes. It’s time to stop for now, yes?
N: Yes. Blessed be! I love you so much, sweetie – I love you, as you are.
LO: I know. Blessed be, mama!
Cast of Characters:
N: Nancy, my adult self
B: Beloveds, the Divine sometimes speak directly to me
WC: Wounded Child, the part that is still traumatized by childhood wounding
SI: Sweet Innocence, the whole, healthy child who knows she is lovable and worthy
LOs: Little Ones, a composite of WC/SI when they seem to be one, or may also refer to a composite of all parts when I’m not yet clear on who’s speaking
Ego: my ego self or human mind
SE: Super Ego, the internal voice of our parents or other authority figures when they were trying to socialize us into responsible human beings; this voice generally has the role of enforcing our parents’ rules for us growing up, whether or not they serve us now as adults. It can be harshly judgmental and punishing.