Principle: Integrating my human and spiritual selves is the core of my spiritual journey.
Practice: When difficult emotions come up, practice curiosity and compassion with yourself.
written Monday 10/25/21
If you’ve been reading for a few months, you might have noticed that I haven’t written in the “inner dialog” format (where I identified what part of myself – my little girl, ego, super ego, true self was speaking) for quite awhile. That style was so central to my posts earlier in the year, and it was extremely helpful in recognizing and owning different aspects of myself. And it no longer serves my ongoing growth.
So today, I want to write on the inner changes that have led to that shift in my process. What’s happening within that has led me to abandon that style of writing?
What I’ve come to see is that separating myself into different parts or voices actually allowed me to deny responsibility for my own feelings. If my little one was feeling enraged, it meant it wasn’t me who was enraged, it was her. Attributing those feelings to her allowed me to distance myself from emotions I didn’t want to feel. I wasn’t ready to own them.
So the next step in my own growth was to start taking ownership that my emotions are mine. No matter how uncomfortable the feelings might be, I am the one who feels enraged, terrified, needy, inadequate, not a part of me that’s different from me! I recognized how unacceptable those feelings were during my growing up years, and that I had developed a belief that having them made me unacceptable, unlovable, unworthy. No wonder I didn’t want to acknowledge them in myself!
Taking ownership of my feelings allowed me to begin questioning the belief that they make me unacceptable or unlovable. I began to see how innately human those feelings are; that they are, in fact, part of what makes me human. I discovered that rejecting feelings means rejecting my humanity, trying to be better than human. And since I am inarguably human, I was setting myself up for an impossible task. I was trying to be perfect instead of human.
So now, I have adopted a practice of accepting my humanity. It is often painful and difficult; old habits of thinking do not die easily. I am coming to know all the aspects of myself as human, and seeing that means there is that spark of the Divine in me as there is in every human being. I’m learning to integrate my human and spiritual aspects into one whole Self. Here’s a journal entry from 10/23/21 that’s a specific example of my new practice and process.
I’m just pissed off and cranky this morning, Beloveds – and oh! That’s part of walking this sacred Earth path, isn’t it? I do not have to be a saint to walk with You; I just need to be all of myself, my human/spiritual self. You made me as I am, and You love me as I am. I don’t need to be perfect to earn Your Love.
There’s something about accepting that I don’t have to be perfect that’s both terrifying and grief-generating. I’m really struggling with accepting this rage – I’m attached to holding it as self-righteous, entitled and self-centered, and thus VERY BAD! These feeling make me a very bad, unlovable and unworthy person. That’s the shouting match in my head: “I’m enraged” vs. “You have no right to feel that way.” It’s so familiar, and so painful.
And this morning in prayer, I was feeling that rage as resentment and withholding, just noticing, and then I felt the budding presence of longing for communion moving in as well. I saw the possibility of holding two “conflicting” feelings at once – and of shifting perspective from “who’s in charge? (splitting myself into parts)” to “what’s here right now? What energy/sensation/feeling is moving through, and can I welcome it?” It’s a shift from identifying with the feelings, a depersonalization. They’re not “my feelings;” they’re just energy moving through.
And even in this place, Beloveds, I feel Your Presence, I know Your Presence. You are the Source of my longing; I long for You in me. I long to know Your love in my being, and I long for more connection, for deeper communion with You. I hear Your call, Beloveds, and I answer to the best of my ability in this moment. That is enough; my best is enough. I am enough, at my best or not.
Blessed be!