If it's hysterical, it's historical
Principle: Living in the present (rather than the past) frees you to move from victimhood to sovereignty.
Practice: If you feel triggered, you’re likely responding to an old pattern. Breathe, ground and get curious to bring yourself current.
written 2/4/21 Thursday
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother. You are my mainstays, Isis and Sekhmet, my bedrock. I’m noticing some fear around Yeshua this morning, some resentment, just because He’s male. I’ve been including Him here because of the connection I’ve made with Him on retreat – so perhaps some curiosity about His place in my life would be useful. And perhaps not – I certainly feel resistant to it in this moment. And regardless of Your form, Beloveds, thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You!
It's not just Yeshua I’m resenting this morning – I’m mired in resentment and self-pity. I woke up shortly after 6am in a real snit and grounded myself, and it does help to be in my body. And I’m still pissy and resentful, which means feeling like a victim as well. And that means reacting to an old pattern and feeling helpless and put upon. This thinking is such a habit – a very old, longstanding habit. It’s giving away my power, my sovereignty, my freedom.
It’s helpful to see all this as old programming, because it makes it possible to ask if it’s still true for me now. Is it still true that I’m a helpless victim? No – so I have the freedom to make another choice. That helps too, just knowing that I’m making a choice at some level. I’m not trapped in my childhood circumstances anymore – I have options that weren’t available to me as a child. I have the freedom and power to choose in ways I didn’t as a child.
And I’m still choosing resentment and self-pity in this moment; I’m pretending I still live in my childhood reality. It feels safer to go with what I know, what’s familiar than to risk trying something new and unknown. Expressing myself, taking action to meet my own needs, even having my own needs or desires, exercising agency in any way produced such terrifying consequences when I was little, and all that terror still comes up when I consider doing any of those forbidden things, even at 68. Those were the things that I was sure would tip Mom over the edge to kill herself – and it would be my fault. And then Dad would fly into a rage, and I’d be abandoned and alone. That was my neural programming as a child, and it sometimes still kicks in at 68!
And at 68, I do have agency; I can cultivate the ability to choose whether to believe that programming or not. It takes developing some new skills and capacities, some practices that help me to stay grounded and embodied in my present, 68-year-old reality, including:
--I can grieve all the pain and loss and harm of my childhood.
--I can recognize that my needs as a little girl are never going to be met;
--I can grieve that loss and recognize that I can meet my needs now (most of the time).
--I can recognize all the glorious beauty and love and abundance around me and within me, and I can practice gratitude for my life.
--I can cultivate trust in my experience that the Universe is a safe place, that I have friends and family who love me and want to know who I am, who support me in “going for” my heart’s desires, in continuing to expand and grow.
And most of all, I can cultivate my faith and trust in an All Powerful, All Knowing, Always Present Divine (Mother) Who is always present and available in my current reality. I can cultivate a co-creative partnership with that Loving Mother Who created me to be exactly as I am, a perfect, whole and complete expression of Her. I can learn to open to Her Presence and Guidance, and expand my trust that She always has our best interests at heart. I can see the ways She has been with me throughout my life, providing precisely the opportunities I needed to grow in co-creative partnership with Her.
I’m “not there yet” – not in this moment – and someone inside is rolling her eyes and muttering “Pollyanna” under her breath. And that’s allowed - I am on the path.