Opening My Heart
Principle: An open heart is a prerequisite to living in the Divine flow of life, to "becoming the ocean."
Practice: Ask “How can I love and nourish myself right now?”
For the next few weeks, I'm shifting to posting just once per week, on Wednesdays. I'm both reassessing the role of the blog in my life, and preparing for my Order's week-long annual Wisdom School the first week in June. The latter involves preparation to travel and be physically with several friends from my local spiritual community for the first time since the beginning of the pandemic, and I cannot say how excited I am! I may end up reposting some earlier posts for a week or two, but today, there's a new one... hope you enjoy!
written 5/13/21 Thursday
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet Great Mother, Yeshua, all guides, angels, ancestors, wise ones. I’m very distractible this morning; my mind is going a mile a minute. But I feel more vulnerable, and I’m grateful for that. Even though my mind is very busy, my heart is more open. Thank You, Mamas, and thank You for a new day to walk this sacred Earth path with You, as You and through You.
And how would You have me write this morning, Beloved Mamas? Ah – You want me to explore this vulnerability and the sense of dependence that goes with it. It seems that either I am totally dependent on You, essentially helpless to do for myself, or I am totally autonomous, totally self-sufficient. I’m creating an either-or split in my mind, telling myself that only one can be true. So what if I shift to “both-and” thinking?
I’m terrified of what it means to be dependent on You, Beloveds; it feels like the end of “me.” I still experience it as meaning I give up all control and all my identity, like the river flowing into the ocean – and that may actually be true. The river does give up its identity as a river; it no longer has a separate self. But it gets a new, more expansive identity. That’s the process I’m in – and while I may give up control, I don’t give up power, agency, influence. So the question becomes, “Can I trust that I’ll be safe if I’m not in control?”
I really do know the answer to that; I know I can keep myself safe, that nobody can shame or humiliate me without my permission now. I know I can meet my needs, and that You always provide. I know I am always safe – in a spiritual sense – in Your arms. And I’m still learning to trust, to open my heart and stand in the excruciating vulnerability of living this way.
It’s interesting to watch myself move from the intense vulnerability of my heart to the comfort and familiarity of my mind as I’m writing. I dip for a second into the feelings and then retreat to the “safety” of my mind, of thinking or analyzing. This is another layer of surrender to Your flow moving through me. To allow myself to receive, and to give Your good out to others.
I said “yes” to You with my vows, Mamas, and now I’m integrating that longing, that desire into my daily life, into being a spiritual being having a human experience. It’s messy and hard, Mamas, and I’m in that process with You, not alone. I still want to do it all myself sometimes, to be in control, and I'm simply not. That’s part of the learning, that You and I do this together. I cannot do it without You as Source, without You in the form of my spiritual communities, without You in the form of this beautiful land I live on.
In our session yesterday, my therapist suggested that I need to be focused on learning to receive now, particularly love, rather than all the focus I’ve had on giving for a lot of my life. I’ve focused on giving because I feel more in control; when I receive, I’m far more aware of my vulnerability. Giving without receiving in equal measure has blocked the flow of love and intimacy. I’ve been driving myself to please others, to earn approval, rather than taking care of myself so I can give from my overflow. It’s painful to see that, and it’s not what I want anymore.
I’m feeling that block in my heart, physically right now, and how painful it is. Please help, Mamas! Help me to choose nourishing, loving activities for myself to open my heart, and to give from the flow of life through me. Blessed be!