Principle: I am never alone, and never dependent solely on myself or my own resources.
Practice: Use a Goddess jar or box as a tangible way to turn something over to the Mother (see description in Practices).
written 3/18/21 Thursday - if this is your first post in the “inner dialog” format, please see the cast of characters at the end.
Good morning, Beloveds all: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, Black Madonna, my angel, all guides and wisdom teachers in any form and none. I feel resistant to practice this morning. Please help me drop the self-imposed barricades to You and walk unarmed into Your arena. I feel so drawn to Your service – help me to come running into Your arms. And thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You.
N: I’m clear that I’m at choice about journaling this morning – and I do feel the draw, the call to open to You, Beloved Mother. Feels more like Ego trying to run the show than SE this morning, although my vitality is not full on, so I know you’re here too, SE.
SE: And we both want to hide, not be called out. Ego is more willing to be seen than I am – I want to lurk in the shadows. Guerrilla warfare is my best weapon.
N: Yes, and you’re very skilled at it, and I feel you draining my energy…
Ego: I was trying to use self-will to prevent that, Nance.
N: I see. Thank you for the intent, love – and it’s not your job. It’s mine, with help from the Mother. You’re sweet to want to take that on, and I need to step up. So I choose to focus on the call I feel to the Mother. This is my path – moving toward Her one baby step at a time. That’s the commitment I made with my vows – my deep intent is Oneness with Her, to be Her priestess – and my path is moving toward Her, making that choice in each moment.
SE: And I’m freaking out because I know that’s my demise, the end of my power over you.
N: And what makes you want to keep that power, SE? How does it serve you? Oh, never mind – because it’s your nature to undermine the Light, to keep it hidden and squished.
SE: I want to hide by denying that – and yes. I have an insatiable need for power over – over you, over others, even over the Divine. I want to keep the world dark, and I’ll use any means to do that. It’s hard to tell on myself, to reveal myself – and it is true.
N: And it’s hard to see you, love. It messes not only with my self-image, but also with my image that there is no devil, no discrete, separate evil in the world. That what presents as evil is distortions of Good that can be brought home to the Light, can be redeemed in that way. So it’s really challenging to own you as part of me, SE.
SE: I count on that to keep my power, Nance. I count on your feeling ashamed and humiliated that I’m part of you.
N: And I learned recently that accepting you is the key; it’s accepting what is, life on life’s terms. And I can turn that over to the Mother to help.
WC: You mean, he’s going to be in charge of our life forever? He’s going to be the boss, like Dad the tyrant was? Then I’m condemned to feel worthless and to hate myself forever, too. There’s no hope, Nance – I don’t matter.
N: Thanks for speaking up, WC; you’re so brave! And accepting SE, giving him a place at the table doesn’t mean he has to rule the roost and you have to comply with his rules.
WC: It doesn’t? I sure had to with Dad!
N: Yes, I know, and that was because there was no adult Nancy in the mix, no adult presence period, really. There were only little ones desperate to get their own needs met. Now I’m learning to be the one who’s making the decisions for all of us, informed and directed by the Mother, living in alignment and communion with Her! Our legs are still really shaky and buckle easily, and that’s ok.
...I'm seeing that I don’t have to rely solely on my resources, that I’m learning to receive the Mother’s Infinite Grace, to let Her deal with SE. I have believed that I have to deal with you myself, SE, to hide you from the Beloveds so They wouldn’t see what a despicable, unworthy person you make me. But They’ve known SE all along, and They make him useful. It’s not my job to transform him – it’s Theirs to love him and use him for good.
...This is bending my mind all out of shape. How are you receiving this, WC?
WC: It’s over my head, Nance. I feel disoriented and lost and confused.
N: And that’s ok. It’s all pretty intellectualized right now, and we’re in a process, love. What I can promise is that you will not have to submit to SE’s tyranny forever; the past is over, and there is hope for love and freedom and self-expression and being loved and seen. I promise.
WC: That I can receive! Thanks, mama Nance.
N: You’re welcome, sweetheart. And we have Kathleen’s help today, too!
WC: Yay! Blessed be!
N: Anyone else?
SE: I’m sulking. And skulking.
N: And I’m practicing stepping up to the driver’s seat, love. I’m practicing standing in the Light and being the Mother’s priestess. Blessed be!
Cast of Characters:
N: Nancy, my adult self
B: Beloveds, the Divine sometimes speak directly to me
WC: Wounded Child, the part that is still traumatized by childhood wounding
SI: Sweet Innocence, the whole, healthy child who knows she is lovable and worthy
LOs: Little Ones, a composite of WC/SI when they seem to be one, or may also refer to a composite of all parts when I’m not yet clear on who’s speaking
Ego: my ego self or human mind
SE: Super Ego, the internal voice of our parents or other authority figures when they were trying to socialize us into responsible human beings; this voice generally has the role of enforcing our parents’ rules for us growing up, whether or not they serve us now as adults. It can be harshly judgmental and punishing.