Self-love and Nurturance

Principle: When I’m resentful and withholding, I’m blocking the Divine flow in my life.

Practice: Ask “How can I love and nurture myself right now?” (Same as last post!)

written 5/18/21 Tuesday

Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, all guides, angels, wise ones. I am deep in withholding this morning, and I don’t know whether to go into it or to move on with my day. So the question from my last post drops into mind: “How can I love and nurture myself in this moment?” Thank You – no, I can’t be grateful for a new day; I’m just in too much resentment. And acknowledging that straight up helps me to see how that resentment blocks me and to open to being grateful for Your love even in this uncomfortable circumstance. So thank You for a new day to walk this sacred Earth path with You, as You and through You.

Now, I am aware of Your Presence even in this feeling of resentment and rage; that’s a surprise! I just read in one of my daily readers about how every experience, whether I love it or hate it, includes a gift from You. And every evening, I commit to choosing gratitude over resentment in the closing prayer for my daily review. So I just chose gratitude over resentment, in this moment.

Wow – now I see Your presence and guidance in that experience from a broader perspective! I didn’t know how to deal with the resentment I felt; my understanding was inadequate, so You stepped in. In fact, I started to write “my” resentment in that sentence, and chose deliberately in that moment not to call it “mine,” which I would have in my opening paragraph. That shift from “my resentment” to “the resentment I feel” is Your guidance. I was identified with the resentment when I started writing; it was mine; I was under its influence, attached to it. Then You intervened to shift my perspective.

Now, it’s still present, but I made a choice not to let it run my life; I’ve detached, and I have agency in responding to it instead of reacting automatically. Choosing gratitude, looking for the gift in an experience or feeling I don’t like or want, doesn’t make the feeling go away, doesn’t change the experience. It changes the way I’m relating to the feeling or experience. Seeing that was Your gift in this – thank You, Beloveds All!

And OMG – now I see an even broader perspective! You just showed me a blueprint for getting out of resentment and withholding, for restoring myself to being in the flow! This specific experience is a blueprint for shifting out of this ancient pattern in my life!

When my experience is not what I want or like, especially when my needs are not being met (which means not “getting my way” in the old pattern) that’s when I fall into resentment, withholding, rage, even hatred. I hated Mom and Dad for not meeting my needs; now I hate You or others who “deprive” me or I hate myself for not being able to figure out how to get what I want or need. And I assume that means I don’t deserve to have my needs met. When my needs are unmet, it must mean I’m inadequate, unworthy, undeserving.

And then I complicate things further by hating myself for believing that, for betraying myself in that way. I hate myself for having needs to be met, for being dependent on others. What a quagmire, what quicksand! It’s not just a double bind, it’s a multiple bind. I hate myself, I hate others, and I hate You, Mamas! What a dilemma!

And it’s all because of this belief that I’m entitled to have my needs met (“have my way”), and that I’m dependent on others to meet my needs. I never learned to take responsibility for meeting my own needs – and I resent that I need to meet my own needs, that it’s my job. I resent having to be grown up! Adulting is a bitch!

So now I see that the question, “How can I love and nourish myself in this moment,” came from You. It embodies my responsibility for myself, and it embodies my deserving love and nurturance, deserving to have my needs met. It releases me from that old control-based, constricted pattern and restores me to living in the Divine flow of giving and receiving.

That’s the shift in focus I need when I’m stuck in resentment and rage. It allows me to choose gratitude for whatever my experiences and feelings are, because there’s always a gift from You in them.

Thank You, Beloveds All! The resentment is still present, and so are gratitude and self-love. My mind doesn’t understand that, but I’m holding them both in my heart. Blessed be!