Shedding an Old Skin
Principle: When we outgrow an old self-image, it’s time to let go into the Unknown.
Practice: Practice welcoming the unknown in any form, looking for its gifts!
written 4/7/21 Wednesday and 4/8/21 Thursday - "SE" stands for "Super Ego," the part of us that is the internalized voice of our critical parent.
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, all guides, angels, wisdom practitioners. I’m on the cusp between opening to You/withholding myself. On one hand, my focus is on opening to the gifts You’re offering me, the loving support You’re providing. And on the other, I want to contract into withholding myself, feeling resentful and angry and wanting my own way...
I just re-read Monday’s journal entry, and it’s helping me to open to gratitude. You are truly all I need, Mamas – thank You. And thank You for this day to walk this sacred Earth path with You, as You, through You.
I’ve been re-reading Chapter 1 of The Undefended Self by Susan Thesenga (see Resources) the last few days, and somebody has been re-writing it since the last time I read it; there are things there that I don’t remember at all from my first reading. It’s become a mirror for seeing myself, especially since my vows. When I took them, I shattered my self-image, my usual limited understanding of who I am. I opened, really more than ever before, and gave myself to You, Beloveds. I saw how much more I am in You than my old self-image ever allowed.
And of course, because I’m still human, that expansion terrified me, and I’m now contracting back into that old, comfortable understanding of who I am. I’m scurrying back to my comfort zone of resentment and withholding. That’s where I go when I feel more vulnerability than I think I can stand; I retreat to that familiar self-image where I’m little and powerless and hiding.
And Susan says at the end of Chapter 1, “To develop our spirituality, we need to drop the pretense of already knowing who we are and be open to the vast, unknown depth of self.” (p. 16). That old, familiar self-image is a prison cell now, confining me, and I feel You calling me to leave it behind, Mamas!
And I’m seeing the ways You meet me where I am, Beloveds. Your love for me means You communicate and guide in ways You know I’ll understand, and you've been using SE that way. His anger, resentment and withholding are such familiar dynamics to me from my childhood that You knew I would understand his victim-perpetrator dance. You’ve used him as the tool to support me in growing into more of who You would have me be.
You poured Your energy into him and moved me to a place where I don’t need him anymore; I can let him retire. You’ve healed that split in me – the victim-perpetrator split, and I can let it go. It does not define who I am anymore. You called me to take my vows in the order, and You provided everything I need. I answered with a resounding “yes,” Beloveds. Here am I; send me!
So that’s the dynamic, the structure that’s been blocking me from knowing myself as You, and I’m now on the cusp of knowing that as Truth: I am You. And that’s why all the tears have come up recently; they’re tears of joy to be Home. I’ve known they weren’t about fear - fear is not here – and there’s certainly been some sense of loss and grief for the familiar sense of who I am being gone. And I’ve still known there was something more here, and it’s joy – the joy and peace of being Home in You, Mamas!
And none of that is part of the old, familiar self-image. Not the joy that’s here, not the desire for connection that’s here. So it seems I’m willing to release the old definition of who I am and leap into the unfolding unknown. Ah – that’s another description of You, huh, Beloveds, “the Unknown”?! Thank You, and blessed be!