Standing Up

Principle: We get to choose whether or not to believe Super Ego when it berates us.

Practice: Ask the Mother to help you recognize Super Ego’s lies when he’s attacking you and call him out.

written 2/21/21 Sunday (if this is your first post in the "inner dialog" format, please see the "cast of characters" at the end of this post.)

Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, all guides and wisdom teachers in all forms or lack of form! I’ve just noticed in meditation that I envision a male God breathing me, not You, Mamas… what’s up with that? Something to be curious about – I definitely don’t receive Him fully; I hold myself back. So I can start experimenting with that, whether I’m more open if the Divine is Feminine, what/how that’s significant. Thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You.

N: LO, where are you this morning? You’re still processing the note of apology to M&D I wrote last night, huh?

LO: I don’t understand why we owe them amends, Nance – they’re the ones who hurt us! And I did see earlier what a little brat I was in holding them hostage, living in resentment of them for not meeting my legitimate needs and withholding my love, my acceptance, myself. Refusing to grow up until they met my needs. It was all I knew to cope, and it got me through my childhood. And it put patterns in place that have crippled me as an adult, and it certainly hurt Mom and I expect Dad, too.

N: And we’re in the process of thawing out those old patterns, love. It’s really scary, isn’t it? It’s ok for you to be in the pattern sometimes and out of the pattern enough to see it and feel some room to choose.

LO: We need the Beloveds in this, mama. I really heard you say yesterday in your talk that we are powerless to change ourself, and see the truth in that. We can’t do this by ourselves – we need help from all sources, from the One Source of All.

SE: But we have to do it by ourself! It’s the only way it’ll happen, the only safe way!

Ego: I’ve failed if we can’t do it ourself! It’s my job to do it myself on my own!

LO: That’s not true, SE and Ego – those beliefs are old coping mechanisms, and they’re not accurate anymore. We need help, it’s ok to need help, and help is available. Safe help is available, from our therapist and the Beloveds and my tree friend, Cindy and the land and probably lots of other sources.

SE/Ego: Oh! This is a surprise – we’re not used to you telling us we’re wrong, LO. That’s new behavior! And we’ll match it with new behavior: we see you and we believe you! No, not quite – we’re not quite to believing we can let go of the responsibility being all on us, that it’s our job – but we do see the possibility. We see that you’re speaking truth from a new place, and we’re just not in that new place with you yet.

N/LO: You’d have to let go of a lot of self-importance to join us here, huh?

SE/Ego: Are you mocking us? Please stop if you are… we need your compassion too.

N: Sorry, SE/Ego – that was aggressive and unskillful. Thanks for challenging us. We do see your dilemma, your surprise at LO – and it seems like you’re pleasantly surprised…?

SE/Ego: Taken aback, startled – and yes, in a welcome way. We’re open to exploring new possibilities – and we still have resistance to changing. You’re right that we do like to be right, to feel in control.

N: Got it, loves. What just happened, LO? It seems like you left again.

LO: Yes, I’m back in old ways, and feeling a little sheepish about being so bold with you, SE and Ego. It was out of my comfort zone, so I’ve retreated back in. This feels like a stopping point for today.

Ego/SE: Would you stay with us long enough to see that we’re not angry, LO? That we’re grateful you spoke up?

LO: It feels scary to believe you, to trust you. And I do see that you’re not angry, you’re grateful now. I don’t trust that you won’t be later, that I won’t pay for speaking up later.

Ego/SE: That’s honest, too – thank you, LO. And we can’t promise that we won’t get angry. But we will do our best to express it without abusing you, love. We want to be part of this process of becoming a loving, supportive family. We want to participate in co-creating that. And we’ll make mistakes.

LO: Fair enough. We all have a place at the table, and mama Nance is in charge.

N: With a whole lot of support from the Mamas! Are we complete for now?

LO: Yes, blessed be.

Ego/SE: Yes, blessed be.

N: Blessed be!

Cast of Characters:

N: Nancy, my adult self

B: Beloveds, the Divine sometimes speak directly to me

WC: Wounded Child, the part that is still traumatized by childhood wounding

SI: Sweet Innocence, the whole, healthy child who knows she is lovable and worthy

LOs: Little Ones, a composite of WC/SI when they seem to be one, or may also refer to a composite of all parts when I’m not yet clear on who’s speaking

Ego: my ego self or human mind

SE: Super Ego, the internal voice of our parents or other authority figures when they were trying to socialize us into responsible human beings; this voice generally has the role of enforcing our parents’ rules for us growing up, whether or not they serve us now as adults. It can be harshly judgmental and punishing.