Surrender Is Messy
Principle: Accepting what is - in myself and in the world - changes everything.
Practice: Try out one of the practices suggested below.
Written from 8/3 to 8/14/21
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, Archangel Michael, Ggantija Priestess, all guides, angels, wise ones. I’ve been looking back over the last couple weeks of journal entries, and I’m going to try a new approach today – writing a summary. Thank You for this new day to walk this sacred Earth path with You, as You, through You, and in You.
What’s really clear from reviewing my journal is that I’m immersed in the process of becoming the Hanged Man (see post from 8/4/21) – and ego is highly resistant to being hanged (go figure)! I had a huge expansion (i.e. surrender to True Self) during Wisdom School in early June, and now I’m integrating that into my daily life. It is an intense and painful and scary process because it is challenging so many long-held beliefs about who I am and how the world operates. In particular, it challenges my ego identification with needing to be in control to stay safe.
I am ever more committed to walking this path of becoming the Divine Human, the integration of physical and spiritual; it now feels like my life’s purpose. I am so grateful to feel held in a container of Divine protection and safety; I see how much God/dess loves me. And I have thus far been unwilling to receive Her Love. In my ego identification, I am pulling every ploy, every trick, every manipulation that ever worked to control or change others out of my bag, and creating a lot of suffering in the process. Surrender is a messy process of fits and starts, and that’s ok.
Three key insights have emerged over the last couple weeks that are helping me to ride the roller coaster in all this chaos and tumult:
· Accepting what is so at any given moment is the key, especially when I don’t like it or don’t want it. This is actually a form of practicing surrender; no matter how much I want my feelings or circumstances to be different, I am powerless to change them. And if I try to change what is, I am identified with ego self, not True Self.
One practice that’s been especially helpful with this is the phrase, “This is how it is right now.” I find that when I want to change something, I’m most often thinking it’s going to last forever and I just can’t stand it. So this phrase reminds me that everything is impermanent, as the Buddhists say; feelings shift, circumstances change. It gives me some breathing room. I can stand painful or difficult feelings if I know they’re temporary.
· The more I can be present and grounded in my body, the better. For most of my life, I have done everything possible to escape being fully embodied; I’ve felt safer that way. So the idea that I can actually find a sense of safety by grounding and fully inhabiting my body is a revolutionary idea.
One practice that’s been really helpful with coming into presence in my body is belly breathing. I place both hands, overlapping, over my belly and focus on my breath there. This can be powerful in meditation, or in my “normal” daily life when I feel stressed. It’s a calming, soothing practice that helps me to remember that I have a physical/human home to live in. It helps me to create a sense that I am/have a solid and stable presence.
· Even though I am powerless to control my feelings or circumstances, I always have agency. In any situation, I get to choose my boundaries and whether I say “yes” or “no” to any request or proposal. I can always take the initiative to ask for what I want/need. I choose how much and what to give to – and receive from – whom. In short, I have agency and responsibility for meeting my own needs.
I was especially astounded by one aspect of this insight: it applies to my relationship with God/dess! Yes, I can say “no” to Her! I can tell Her what I am and am not willing to give and receive and do. She wants me to surrender willingly, not to feel coerced or overpowered. She gave me free will as a gift, and She expects me to use it. Try out setting clear boundaries with the Divine in your life!