Principle: We project old patterns with our parents onto the Divine, limiting ourselves.
Practice: Explore the old parental patterns until you can ask the Mother to remove them.
2/25/21 Thursday – Disentangling Mom from the Mother
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, and all angels and guides on both sides of the veil; Cindy and land of my heart! I feel very scattered and distractible this morning, with my mind running a mile a minute. And I zoned out on Grey’s Anatomy last night – just couldn’t stay present. Evidently, I reached my limit for visibility and vulnerability yesterday – and that’s ok. I’m a beginner at this, and I’ll use old ways of coping until I learn new ones. I’m grateful to know I’m on a spiritual path and grateful for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You and as You.
LO: I feel very vulnerable and visible, mama Nance, and right now it’s ok. And I’m curious about our thought yesterday that we get to choose who we want to be! I want to help others, Nance – to be of service to the Mother! Oh holy shit! No wonder I’ve been so confused about this! We’ve just finished declaring that we’re done taking care of Mom after a lifetime of feeling responsible for her – and now I’m saying I want to serve the Mother!
,,,Trying to serve Mom all the time through my life has been so damaging to me – and now I want to serve the Mother? It’s true, I do – and I’m owning that because I’m starting to see some of the distinctions between serving Mom and serving the Mother. Serving the Mother is no longer a substitute for serving Mom.
N: This is really important, sweetie, a crucial distinction. We can serve the Mother freely now because we’ve chosen to stop taking responsibility for Mom. I’m still feeling some of the ambivalence of giving ourself freely to the Mother because that cost us so much with Mom. Yes, no wonder we’ve been so confused, so conflicted!
LO: I’m living in that little me hell of loving her so much and hating her so much, Nance! It’s agonizing!
N: Stay with it, sweetie – it’s ok. You were alone with it when you were little – you’re not now. I see how excruciating it is to feel so torn, so conflicted inside.
LO: And it’s so tied up with whether I’m a good girl or a bad girl, whether I can love myself or hate myself.
N: Yes, of course. Good job, love, stay with it…
LO: Having to hide my rage, stuff it – it made it grow, mama! It made me betray myself to survive. (Italics indicate that in my journal, LO switched to writing with her left hand, an indication that she feels very raw and vulnerable.)
N: Good presence, love. Yes, you learned to hate yourself to survive, to betray yourself to survive. Where does that live in your body, sweetie?
LO: In my gut – my tummy hurts. I feel sick all over. The rage lives in my gut, the self-betrayal. That’s where the bad, terrible, despicable, demanding monster lives, and I can’t let her out. I won’t survive letting her out!
N: And now you know that’s your rage, your legitimate rage and not a despicable, demanding monster, right? I can help you know that if you need it.
LO: It’s my rage, and it’s legitimate. You mean I’m not despicable, I’m not a demanding monster, I’m not an unredeemably horrible little girl!?
N: Yes, that’s precisely what I mean, sweetie. You’re a beautiful, lovable, special little girl with human needs and desires – legitimate human needs and desires.
LO: Not undeserving, unworthy to be here.
N: That’s right. And I wonder if this is enough for now, little beloved – it’s such good work, sweetie! I’m so proud of you – and we have therapy today so there’s more opportunity for exploration with her support if you need it. I want to be present with you and loving and not push you into too much at once.
LO: And is it too much for you?
N: No, love – I’m fully here. Let me be really clear about my boundaries. I feel really aware that the Mother is here, sweetie, so you’ve not been too much for me in any way. And it is almost time for our prayer partner to call, and I’d like to move on with our day after we pray. Feels really good to own Guidance, and to set a clear boundary. How is that for you, LO?
LO: Little me is pissed that you’re not always available to me, that I’m not first always! And bigger me is fine with waiting for Kathleen if we need more then. Thanks for telling me the truth, mama!
N: You’re welcome. This is co-creative partnership between us and with the Mother, love. Blessed be!
LO: Blessed be!