Principle: There’s a natural pendulum swinging between “Ego Self” and “True Self.” Sometimes we’re more toward one end, sometimes the other.
Practice: Accepting the swings of the pendulum without fighting them moves us toward peace and serenity.
written 6/30/21 Wednesday
Good morning, Beloveds All: Isis, Sekhmet, Great Mother, Yeshua, AM, GP, all guides, angels, wise ones. I woke up at 6:00 and didn’t go back to sleep this morning, and am very, VERY attached to doing it on my own as a separate, egoic self, and to that experience of being human not being acceptable. Please help me practice curiosity today, Beloveds – curiosity as a form of connecting with You – and whatever other forms of spiritual practice You would guide me toward. And thank You for another day to walk this sacred Earth path with You, as You, through You, in You.
I did go to my altar when I got up early this morning and prostrated, asking for help. “Hands off the pendulum” kept coming up, which I take to mean that I’ve been trying to interfere with the natural pendulum that swings between human and Divine, Ego Self and True Self. I so want to push it toward the spiritual side when it’s lingering on the human, and keep it on the spiritual side when I’m open and expanded. But I am simply powerless to control the pendulum, and my inner life becomes a mess when I try.
So today, I will practice keeping my hands off the pendulum by remembering that God/dess learns about human life through my human experiences. By practicing acceptance – “This is how it is right now. It’s really, really uncomfortable, and can I be present to what is?” I did have a little success with that this morning – the pendulum swung toward spiritual. And then fell right back toward the human as I fell into victim and self-pity talking with my mentor about how to dispose of the old piano.
So I get to practice being a beginner on a slippery slope here. I get to let go of any expectation that one step toward the spiritual gets me living there. One rep of an exercise does not give me a strong muscle. Interesting that as I’ve been resisting building my spiritual muscles in the last couple weeks, I’ve also been resisting going to the gym or doing any physical exercise!
I’m hearing, “But I hate being a beginner and making mistakes” from inside. And that moves to “I hate being human.” I’m ashamed of being human. Being human is humiliating. So painful to see that – and thank You, Mamas!
There’s certainly not a lot I can do about being human, since there’s only one way out, and I’m not willing to take that one. And the truth is that being human – imperfect – elicited humiliation when I was little from a father who hated himself for being imperfect and human. I grew up with the experience of “being human is humiliating,” and I’ve been living my life based on that belief ever since. But what if it’s not broadly true? What if humiliation is not an innate and essential part of being human?
Now that is a wild and revolutionary possibility, and SE is "on alert," engaged. Thank you for doing your best to protect me from further humiliation, sweetie – and are you open to revising that old belief, to seeing it as false?
SE: You mean I’ve been wrong all my life and you want me to change?!?! That feels humiliating.
N: So what if we reframe it as learning and growing instead of “you need to change because you’ve been wrong?” Are you willing to learn and grow? Our circumstances have changed a lot since we were little, and we’re all learning new ways to be. I’d like you to join us in that exploration; are you willing?
Let me reintegrate you as part of me, SE, because you are not a separate entity from “me.” So I’m feeling my resistance to “being wrong, not knowing, not having the answer.” Which suggests I’m attached to being right, knowing, having the answer. That’s how I tried to protect myself from Dad’s humiliation – and maybe there’s another way I could learn, grow into a new understanding. And maybe it’s not necessary to protect myself from Dad’s humiliation anymore since he’s been dead for 2+ years.
It’s my humiliation of myself that’s the issue now. Preventing humiliation is why I try to control the pendulum swing, and it’s time to give that up, to ask the Mother to remove/transform that old pattern. Being human is not innately humiliating – and I am ready to practice keeping my hands off the pendulum! Blessed be!